Mom had surgery on her broken arm that refuses to heal. They put three pins in and she stayed over two nights. I feel like a bad daughter because I couldn’t go and visit her or help out. I freaked out trying to study for final exams and write a paper and keep up with my sons activities and not let my house fall into ruin too.
My dad said almost as soon as she woke up from surgery she was having fits about wanting to get out of the hospital, bugging the nurses every half hour for answers they simply dont have and she was super cranky for lack of a cigarette. I don’t know if I could have helped any, maybe helped my dad by deflecting some of the flying objects and nasty sarcasm that she tends to throw around.
Anyway, she’s home now and thinks they finally found a pain med that will work for her. Hopefully she’ll be doing better around christmas, enough to travel a bit to visit my brother. We’ll see.
Wow, I’ve been so busy I can hardly think straight. In the midst of trying to balance end of semester workload with holiday obligations over Thanksgiving my mom called me the sunday before Thanksgiving to ask if I could come over for an hour and help her sort out some paperwork. She said she was overwhelmed and I knew that sorting out anything with her would take more than an hour, plus it takes an hour to get there, so I needed to make a 4 to 6 hour committment minimum.
This was one of the few times that if I felt I could have I would have told her I just didn’t have time, I’m really under time pressure to get some stuff done for school. BUT I was glad she asked for help instead of just shoving the papers under her chair and forgetting about them, AND the fact that she asked for help worried me because it probably means that she has been putting off looking at them for quite awhile already, so who knows what’s in there.
So I went over on tuesday night, after spending the day on a cub scout outing, i got there around 5:30 and hoped to get home before bedtime. It actually turned out O.K. She had a pretty hefty stack of mail that had been opened and thrown in a box but none of it was current bills, so she’s not like ignoring the electric bill or anything like that.
Unfortunately I now have an intense hatred for the whole medicare system and AARP. They send my parents mail almost every day, most of which is adverstisements for services and products they dont want or need disguised as something important, so they save it, forever and get the truley important things regarding their health insurance and prescription coverage mixed up and confused. So their prescription premium goes up by a couple dollars and her automatic online payment didn’t change, they send her a letter saying you owe us 7.80, then five days later another letter saying you owe us 48.90 with no explanation of what payments they have recieved or what these charges comprise, so she pays what they say she owes and then her auto payment goes through and she’s overpaid, but they don’t send her letters about that. It’s such a poorly administered system, they’ve got like four different coupon books they’re supposed to use. I can’t even explain what a jacked up mess it is, sometimes they get correspondance from AARP, sometimes from Medicare, sometimes from the insurance company and always with little or no explanation, just “here’s how much you owe, (we don’t feel like telling you why)”
Anyway, my mom went to bed at 7:00 and I got to take that time to go over this and some other really confusing life insurance policy issues with my Dad. So now he knows what needs to be done to straighten everything out and he seems to have grasped the fact that my mom cannot handle this on her own, so overall I feel better. And I got my organizing fix too. Then we had a really nice and uneventful Thanksgiving dinner, the first big dinner I ever made where everything turned out really good! Yah!
It’s been quiet on the homefront lately. Dad is feeling much better and able to get around now so I didn’t go back this past weekend, just called to check up. Mom is still in lots of pain from some stomach problem and something in her hip that the doctors can’t seem to identify. I am totally amazed that she has not emotionally melted down completely. I know she’s miserable, i guess the cigarettes provide some distraction and the booze some relief. I’m wonding when they’re going to tell her she has emphysema, thinking about that scares me for the future, I can’t stand to hear her struggling for breath even now, and it’s only going to get worse.
Is it bad that I feel glad about being close enough to help when needed but far enough that i don’t have to be there all the time? I’m just not sure I could handle seeing her suffer and self destruct every day. I don’t know how my dad does it, but to her credit she keeps a pretty positive attitude considering.
I suggested that we draw names for christmas this year instead of everyone buying gifts for everyone, we have an extended family of 12 now with both of my brothers all the spouses and the kids, I had already picked out gifts for everyone and am a little sad that i won’t get to give them, but will be VERY relieved if I know that my parents did not spend a fortune they don’t have on gifts that none of us really need. Plus, they are so not in need of any more ‘stuff’ to fill up their house. We can get them what they really need for birthdays, or just anytime, just because. Anyway, I left the decision to my parents, so I hope they go for it.
This weekend was more stressful than last. I had no plans to go back to my parents house this past weekend, but when I called mid-week my Dad said it would be nice if I could come, and coming from him that means “Please come, we really need your help”. This weekend only felt like a weekend in the sense that I did ZERO work for school.
Friday night my boyfriend left from work to meet some old friends in DC, go out and spend the night with them. He had a good time, I had a headache from 1:30 when I got home until 5:30 when i picked up my son from daycare, so we went to the mall to try and get out and distract me from the pain. It was fun, we ate chick-fil-a and walked around window shopping. I bought him a book he really liked and we had a good time, he’s fun to be with and apparently thinks I am a ‘cool mom’, he thinks he’ll hang out with me when he’s a teenager more than other kids will hang out with their moms. That made me happy, not that I expect it to happen, but it’s nice that he said it. :-)
So didn’t see my boyfriend until saturday morning, we walked around the neighborhood together, watched TV for an hour or so, then I was off to my parents house.
My dad is not doing as well as he wishes he was. He is only comfortable when he’s laying down and is really getting cabin fever not being able to go outside to the garden. My parents were both sort of cranky with each other and started to bicker, so I took my mom to the grocery store. They needed a lot of stuff, and after she told me that they’d just paid $950 to have her car repaired (even though she can’t drive now, and probably shouldn’t drive even when her arm is better) I decided to pay for the groceries, before I realized the bill was $270. Then we went to the liquor store to get the standard giant bottle of whiskey with which to make the Old Fashioned’s that she drinks every night. I usually don’t take her shopping every week, so this was when it dawned on me that she buys a carton of cigarrettes and a giant bottle of whiskey every week, that’s $90 worth of vice. So I felt a little guilty but I told her that I would not pay for the cigs and liquor, she agreed that was ok but she only had $40 in her wallet and got worried because it was sunday and she couldn’t go to the bank for cash. I reminded her that I showed her last week how to use the ATM to get cash, so we drove over to the bank and I showed her again, she got cash and paid me $80 (the ATM at her bank is ancient, like green type on black screen, only gives cash in 20’s, but whatever)
Everything else was fine at home, I cleaned, changed light bulbs, gathered trash, moved plants inside and started cooking dinner. Mom was sort of a pain in my ass while i was cooking, spaghetti, easy right? no. The sauce has to be made by 5pm, so it can simmer for exactly 1.5 hours or else it won’t be good, I wasn’t adding the ingredients fast enough - it was going to be disasterous! But it got made and it was very good. As we sat down to eat I noticed that the grated parmesan looked a little darker than normal and after they were already eating it i look at the expiration, October 2006! She found that so funny that she had to get up and go to the bathroom, my mom has always had a weak bladder, making her laugh has done that too her since I can remember, of course now it’s more of a problem since she can’t just run to the bathroom. She got to the top of the stairs and yelled “dammit” so apparently didn’t quiet make it. Then as my dad and I ate, assuming she’d be ok she starts yelling. I didn’t hear what she said but apparently she was yelling for me to come help her, but my dad went instead, so when he got up there she freaked out and a nice little fight ensued. Shortly they came back down and she said “don’t be fooled honey, even old married couples fight sometimes, but we’re ok now.” I was thinking “sure YOU are ok, you’ve been drinking for two hours and you’re smashed.” Anyway, the rest of the meal was fine, they went to bed early and I watched TV until I got tired. In the morning I cleaned the kitchen, vacuumed the house, did two loads of laundry, changed two more light bulbs and talked to some guys who came to the door asking about the neighbor across the street who appears to have abandoned they’re house. Sunday was uneventful, but I feel bad for my dad, he doesn’t want to get up and do things but it really took me the whole two days just to get the house back in order so they could get through this week. I also felt bad because my mom told him I paid for the groceries and I know that hurts his pride, I wish she hadn’t said anything. Anyway, I went to a meeting at school and then back home, i’m getting really sick of wasting three hours of every day commuting, but only another year and a half and keeping my fingers crossed I won’t have to work in the city when i’m done.
SUnday night was good, halloween gathering at a neighbors then walking around for candy, I was a cowgirl, wore my boots and western skirt, and did my hair in braids since I don’t have a hat. Think my son had fun and boyfriend enjoyed handing out candy. So a stressful but successful weekend in most respects. Ended sunday with a fight with the boyfriend, but that would be a whole other blog. Gotta love relationships, so fun and comforting, but high maintenance at times.
Wednesday night: drove the hour to my parents house, they were thrilled to see me. I went to bed and spent an hour or so fighting off stinkbugs in the room before finally going to sleep. Woke up at 5am and drove 45mins to the hospital, waited and finally saw Dad off into surgery around 8am. It was fine, we met all the people that would be working on him and they seemed nice, doc said he probably would go home that afternoon, I could tell Mom was worried.
We had breakfast at McDonalds. Mom decided not to use the wheelchair but to walk in and I help her as she explains to me that every time she puts any weight on her left hip she is in excruciating pain, that’s the hip that broke when she first found out about the myeloma. We ate, scrapped the planned shopping because we had to drive back home and get her medications that she forgot to take in the morning. So we got home around 9:15 and I started cleaning while she worked on her puzzle.
I pick up a cardboard box from in front of her chair, filled with papers, she says, that’s my “box of filing” - I start to look through it, it’s bills, current and past due, unpaid, mixed in with reciepts and junk mail. I sort out all the bills she needs to pay and put them on her table and tell her i’m really worried that their bills aren’t getting paid. She assures me that they are, but i’m not sure.
We leave just before 11 to go back to the hospital because she wants to sit with my dad when he’s done. We get there, wait awhile then go up and see him in a room, he’s a lot more sore and uncomfortable than he thought he would be, but otherwise ok and we just sit and talk. They’re running liquid through him as much as they can and the urine/water coming out of his catheter is bright red. He can’t go home until it’s the right color.
At 3:30 my mom has asked every nurse, tech and candy striper that comes by when he’ll be able to go home, even though we told her only the doctor knows and we won’t see him until he’s done with surgery for the day. After the tech tells her, again, that she doesn’t know when he’ll go home she finally puts her head in her hands and starts sobbing and saying she’s sorry, she just can’t take it anymore. The tech is a little freaked out but my dad assures her that everything is ok, so she leaves. I can tell my mom feels bad that she’s not “strong” enough to just sit and wait with him and give him like moral support when he’s in the hospital. But I think he understands, she will always be the one who needs support, even when he’s vulnerable, she’s more vulnerable. We told her it was fine for me to just take her home and then i’d come back and pick up my dad when it’s time. On the way out i’m trying to make her feel better, “well, sitting in that hard chair for 4 hours is tough…” and she says the chair was comfortable, she just couldn’t sit there anymore, she was so tired. I don’t really get what was bothering her, she didn’t sleep when we got home, she begged me to let her smoke in the car and when we got home she make an old fashioned, maybe two and smoked some more while she did her puzzle and I cleaned some more. At 6 my dad was ready to come home so he asks me to make sure she has everything she needs right next to her so she won’t try to get up and walk around, apparently she’s fallen twice in the past week. She decided to go to bed, so I help her get her shirt off and jammies on and put her water, book, phone next to the bed. I call my dad to let him know i’m on my way and i’m thinking “I can’t believe I just put my mom to bed”.
I pick up my dad and everything goes smooth, he reminds me daily how strong his side of the family is, and how laid back and positive in the face of adversity. He is glad to have me there though, he’s more uncomfortable than he thought he would be. We go home and I stay the night Thursday too. My boyfriend is my savior, he graciously offers to take my son to scout meeting that night so I can help my parents. I have gotten nothing of my school work or work work done since wednesday and have little hope of doing any friday either. I do all I can to make sure they won’t have to do much after I leave, then i come home around lunchtime on friday, go shopping, pack up for camping trip and take the boy to camp friday evening where we stay until sunday morning. Luckily boyfriend came to the rescue again and relieved me at camp saturday daytime so i could come home for a few hours and get some work done. It was a nice weekend to camp, I can’t complain.
But overall, stressful week. Now hoping upon hope that nothing really bad ever happens to my Dad, wondering if maybe one day I can convince them to move into a small house and have huge yard sale.
The state of Me: I’m 33 years old, I have a 10 year old son, been divorced for a long time now and the boy and I are currently living in sinful bliss with my boyfriend of not quite 4 years. Well, i’m sinning, my son is not. I left a 10 year career in management to come to law school and things are really looking up for our little family. We’ve got a fantastic plan for the future, we’re comfortable and doing well.
The state of My Parents: Dad is 72 and mom is 68. Dad has always been healthy and comes from hearty stock, long livers on that side of the family, he smoked for 50 years, but then quit cold turkey and never looked back. Mom has always been fragile, lots of mental and emotional problems, prone to depression and anxiety, been smoking since she was 16 and alcoholic since I don’t know when (a quiet evening drinker, went by me, unnoticed for a long time). But don’t get me wrong, she’s a lovely person, everyone adores her.
Couple years ago mom broke her hip sitting in a chair and was subsequently diagnosed with multiple myloma (bone cancer). She’s been undergoing chemo and radiation ever since and also has osteoporosis on top of it. As a result of these conditions one of her legs is a couple inches shorter than the other, she can’t walk more than several steps without sitting and recently the cancer resurfaced in her elbow - we found out after she broke her arm picking up a jar of coffee grounds. Needless to say, my healthy hearty Dad is under a lot of pressure taking care of the house, my mom and the pets.
Recently my Dad was diagnosed with Prostate cancer, but luckily in very early stages. So this is where I’m at right now - I have an internship that I work at all day every thursday and friday, I also have just about a ton of work to do for classes and the journal, and a cub scout with activities once a week or so and sometimes all weekend long, but when my mom called and told me my dad was going in this thursday for prostate surgery I didn’t even pause before telling her I would be there (at 4am on thursday morning) to take him in, pick him up and stay with her while he’s at the hospital.
Luckily I enjoy being with my parents, I really like their company, which was not always the case, especially with my mom. I also get a great amount of satisfaction from helping out, my mom gets so excited when i come over and clean the house, Dad is not the best cleaner. And I think they both feel more secure when they know i’m there and like they did a good job raising me.
My parents are both very intelligent people, but the problems I fear in the future arise from the following: First my dad is probably a hoarder and my mom is anxiety prone and physically impaired, their house is A MESS and it’s pretty big too. Secondly they have NO money. They are basically living on social security and my moms small retirement. Neither of them ever saved anything and I cannot see how they went through their whole working careers without ever putting money away for retirement. So what is going to happen? Am I going to be spending increasing amounts of time going there to help take care of them and their house, and at what cost to my studies, my work etc.? Am I going to end up supporting them financially? What if one of them gets really sick? If I knew I was going to be very wealthy I would not worry about it, but unfortunately my and my boyfriends plans for the future are closely intertwined and involve sharing our money but not supporting my parents - whether or not i’ll be spending a lot of money on my parents has been a huge source of tension between us because it really could affect our future but I don’t see how I could ever refuse or fail to help them out if i have the means to do it.
These questions sit in the back of my mind and i’m not sure there’s any way to plan for what might happen. So tonight i’ll go home and have dinner with my boyfriend and son, then i’ll drive an hour to my parents house and spend the night so I can get up at 4:30am and get them to the hospital where I will wait with my mom, maybe get breakfast and then sit with my dad probably for most of the day until they let him come home. I’m thinking of what condition my dad will be in and what they’ll need when he comes home, so when I asked my mom whether he’ll be in bed or on his feet and what he’ll be able to do she says “I don’t know, they didn’t really say. We’ll see” I’m thinking what!!!!! she can’t walk and only has one useful arm, my dad does everything, cooking, cleaning, helping her get dressed and taking care of the pets - so what does she expect to happen if he can’t do all that stuff? I will spend the next two days not studying, not writing my note, not working on cases but being a parent to my parents.
I just have mixed feelings about whether that is good or bad, or maybe it’s good but too soon. We’ll see how tomorrow goes.